Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Thailand: My future retreat

We like to call ourselves free human beings with rights and purpose but there is something in us that still needs to ask for permission to be excellent. To be great. To need. To want. It was the guilt of wanting to have something on my own with out my love, that petrified me. I was thinking about all the responsibilities of a woman, for herself and the ones she loved and how I had to abide by them. It did not feel right because I am me and living up to everybody else's expectations would get me nowhere. In this day of age we all need some reassurance, some king of reward or permission to allow to be ourselves. Don't ask me why cause I'm working on it.

So being a true blood human bundled with nerves and days of heavy pondering. I collected the courage to ask the love of my life if, let's say hypothetically if I could go to Thailand for a month just by myself, for the pleasure of it. If it would be ok, with him. ( why I asked him, because we are one. He is my partner in crime. Every decision we make affects the other. If we both agree to the terms and conditions applied. We are ready and armed to support each other, beside I would go crazy if he wanted to go somewhere for a month with out me) He knows me very well and knows that there was nothing ever hypothetical about any of my questions. I could see the worry in his eyes. He quickly questions himself whether I am unhappy or am I planning to leave him or something twisted. In his curious smile he jokes why am I planning a trip without him. And at this moment I can not bullshit myself anymore. I say, 'Its for me. Just to see a part of the world and learn something just for me by myself'. I moved to Brussels because I wanted too, now I'm not working so, I'm restless. I need to do something in my life. I don't want to wake up and be thirty one day and say oops I missed the train cause I can hear it right now blowing the whistle. Are you in or out? Being the wise and overprotective man that he is. He takes a pause ask what I will do there. Learn Thai massage. Why? Because. He jokes "Will you be coming back?" I smile. He looks at me with a serious face and says, "If that makes you happy." I grab him in my arms and hold him so tightly and say, " That you for being you."

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